The Messy Art of Looking on the Bright Side
By SBC Member Nicci Scimone
How can we possibly look on the bright side of the worst thing that has ever happened to us? The loss of someone we love. It seems unfathomable.
When we first lose them, there is no bright side in sight. There is only grief and survival. We feel broken and lost. Our life has just been thrust into this disorienting before and after. If someone tries to throw a silver lining our way, not only will it not resonate, but it can actually be quite upsetting, offensive even.
I was unwilling to look on the bright side for a solid two years after my dad died. I was very content on staying negative and I had some choice words for anyone who tried to steer me off this track, and onto a lighter one. This mindset felt strangely comfortable for those few years - until it didn’t, and I began to want something different for myself.
I’m not suggesting that there is a bright side to our person losing their life - and I never will. That fact on its own will always suck! I’m simply suggesting we make the most out of this one life that we all have, even when we don’t like the cards we were just dealt.
When you are sitting in some of the deepest despair, it feels so heavy and exhausting. It is perfectly okay to want some relief in your grief, and eventually – some joy. I understand the complicated feelings that may arise, especially the guilt. But somewhere along the way you may find yourself wondering –
Where is the joy? When will this feel any lighter? Is grief all there will ever be?
If we can slowly and gently give ourselves permission to feel something lighter, I really do believe we will find it. And not only find it, but create it ourselves.
A Shift in Perspective
Losing someone we love opens the door to so much uncertainty, and there is so much that we don’t have control over, so why not shift our focus to what we can control.
Our choices. Our mindset. Our perspective. Our beliefs. Our direction.
By shifting our perspective, we are not erasing the grief or trying to fix it. Quite the contrary. Our loved one and all of those griefy emotions are coming with us - into this new life we are building.
I understand that a change in perspective isn’t the magic fix. I think we all know by now that there isn’t one! This is only one piece of the puzzle, a very messy puzzle - but we must start somewhere.
So, I think a good place to start is to ask yourself some even deeper questions:
What good can I find within this new landscape?
What has this experience started to reveal to me, even in subtle ways?
Are there parts of my life that now feel expansive where they hadn’t before?
I also want to say that if these questions don’t resonate now, try them again later. Change and growth takes time, especially when we are dealing with loss. It is so important to give ourselves grace here.
But the more that you practice looking for this bright side – I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at what you find. You may start to see that this new reality you live in isn’t all bad.
Try thinking of this as a gentle reframe. Instead of feeling broken, what if we are now broken open? Over the last thirteen years I’ve spent time reflecting on my own experience, and I have found that I am now open to…
More gratitude
Healing and vulnerability
A whole new perspective
Greater emotional capacity
Faith in the unknown
Deeper connections
Finding true purpose
Transformation and growth
Finding Peace in the Duality
I have discovered that we can deeply miss our person while also appreciating the new outlook that was born out of our experience. One does not take away from the other. I understand how strange that can feel. It’s one of those very unexplainable qualities about grief.
I think people who look on the bright side are often misunderstood. We are quickly labeled as “toxically positive” or “delusional”, as if we are ignoring the harsh realities around us. I have to strongly disagree.
Experiencing grief and loss turns us into the sort of human who now has a greater emotional capacity. What if we actually have the ability to hold both the good and the bad? The grief and the joy. The only thing we do differently, is we choose where we want to focus our attention and energy.
Our resilience is built in these experiences. We are also making the conscious choice to believe that we can survive this pain. Not only survive it, but live well beyond it. We feel the pain, we acknowledge it, and then we shift our lens in the direction that feels best to us - the direction we know will bring us the most peace.
Moving through grief may not be a typical art form, but for me, it certainly has felt like one. A messy one at that. It’s a dance, where sometimes we take ten steps forward and five steps back. All the while we are busy being the creators, the directors, the writers and the producers of our stories. And I’m just over here still learning how to find my own rhythm along with everyone else.
I hope you dare to look on the bright side of your story. With enough grace and perseverance, it might just change your life.
About Nicci:
Nicole Scimone is a Certified Grief Coach and Writing Workshop Facilitator, dedicated to guiding others through their journey of grief and loss. Her passion for this work was born out of the loss of her father Donny, in 2013. Through compassionate coaching, reflective writing, and heartfelt conversations, she creates safe spaces where individuals can explore their stories, honor their grief, and move forward with resilience and hope.
